Here is what I have done so far:

• Dinnertime Happening (link)
• Water Talk video (link)
• Donut Game. I handed all of the control over to Maya and Julia, who set up the game. Gracie and I competed blindfolded and hands tied in a slightly more difficult version of this traditional children’s game which we had both played when we were younger. It was out of my comfort zone to give all of the artist control to someone else in an artistic concept that I engineered. I don’t usually buy that many sweets at once, and Gracie said that she liked the game when she was little because she got to eat more donuts that she is normally allowed to. It’s interesting that BDSM themes appeared in this piece, and that donuts have such an element of denial, pain and struggle attached to them for many.
• Blue Foods- This was a brief sketch I did to make myself more interested in the food I had to eat. Ruby suggested more iterations of this, with more colors.

• Watched the Amy Winehouse Documentary- She was a Jewish singer with bulimia and a drug addiction. It got me thinking about how we know so many intimate details of singers lives but don’t necessarily know the same about artists.

What I am working on/planning to do:

• Stomach punch painting and happening
• Maya Nude painting
• “Leave You” music video
• Bob for apples? Or another food.
• Maya and Julia want to play the donut game.
• Possibly paint with my mouth and food.
• And I also wanted to use the darkroom, not sure if I have time for that.

I have been feeling so forceful and full of creative energy which is very exciting. I think it’s because I have not been able to really make conceptual art in a supportive environment since high school and it feels very familiar, yet thrilling in its newness. It feels good to let myself make things without exactly knowing why then figuring the “why” out later. There is always a reason that I am driven to create. I am not sure if I have done exactly 12 hours of this but it feels like a lot and like I am pushing myself. 

My hair has been a huge part of my life and image since I dyed it blue in 2015. At the time, this transformation was an affirmation of my queer identity. As a 15-year-old, I wanted to stand out from the rest my peers who I found to be conventional and mostly boring at my North Carolinian high school. It was just me and my artistic, unusual, gay friends who had the audacity to look different from everyone else. At the time I relished the feeling of being unique, as identifying myself as an individual separate from my relatively White and monotonous environment.

For three years hair continued to give me some privileges I enjoyed. Aesthetically, it really was beautiful. It suited me well and was quite attractive. It helped me provide an entry point in getting to know people. They saw my hair as a sign of comfort and calm and intrigue and felt the urge, very naturally, to begin a conversation with me about it. It made me stand out in crowds and photos, it made people remember my name. But growing underneath these positives was a colony of negatives, and the hair became a crutch, stunting many aspects of my growth.  Now, as I have become more confident in my individuality, I feel like I do not need the blue to affirm my sense of self. I am trying to find this on the inside, not the outside.

Hair is so easy to change. I can always redye it if I decide that the blue did something more for me that I cannot now see. But in this moment I can only feel the negatives, which outweigh the positives by their depth and gravity. Recently, I haven’t been able to tell if I have kept the blue because I actually like it, or if I just feel compelled to continue because I have maintained this facade for so long.  

This removal of blue is not unplanned. This manifesto is a eulogy, this is a breakup text, this is my preparation for a transition. This is what I have to say to everyone who will ask me “why?”

WHY I CHANGED MY HAIR.

These are the negatives of the blue hair that have been rolling around in my mind like stones. They include:

1. For every positive interaction that I have had because a stranger was interested in talking to me about my hair, there are 10 people who talk to me who I wish would just leave me alone. “You have blue hair!” “Do you have to bleach it to get it like that?” “What type of dye do you use?” “My daughter had hair like that.” “I could never pull that color off.”  “What is your real hair color?” ”Blue is my favorite color.” I have been harassed by the same bothersome questions and comments thousands of times, in the form of anything from childlike wonder to a pickup line, from genuine admiration to ignorant demands. People have often yelled out their car windows about liking my hair, terrifying me. The repetition of it was exhausting.
2. Being stared at, a spectacle, is very unpleasant. Being in this woman body makes my life dangerous already, and when I go to Walmart or a gas station alone at night I feel like the hair is a beacon calling out to strangers that I want attention. Imagine knowing if someone is looking at you, they have something to say and will try to talk to you. Maybe I just want to buy some cold medicine. Maybe I have important things to do and don’t want to be interrupted. Maybe I just want to be alone.
3. I do admit I have used the hair to my own advantage. I marketed myself as something less than human in hopes that I could get people to buy into me. My image was just blue and had nothing to do with the person inside of me. My entire online presence, whether in dating or blogging, revolved around my hair. I wonder if that’s the only thing that generates my followers. I wonder why I care.
4. Imagine that your personality disappears and is replaced with a color. To most people who see me, I am not funny or caring or smart, I am just blue. Other people know me but only know some vague idea of me, my colorful ghost. Now I want to be a real person, more than a useless icon. A false goddess people worshiped, I don’t know what for.
5. I think white guilt has driven me in a number of ways to prove I am “not like every other white person” even though of course I am. Sometimes I felt myself using the blue to try to shove away my oppressive identity. I want to humble myself with this color change and continue to reflect on my privilege.
6. 4 bottles of dye = 24 dollars. Bleach and developer = 30 dollars. I repeated spending every other month. 325 a year, 975 for 3 years. And when I originally got it done I went to salons, so 200 dollars an appointment, 2 appointments. Total spending thus far = at least 1,500. Not including time opportunity costs.
7. I harassed my friends until they agreed to spend 5 hours doing my hair, every other month.
8. I ruined pillows and towels in hotels and other places I stayed all across the country. I stained bathtubs and sinks. There was a trace of me wherever I went.
9. I picked myself apart visually when my roots grew back, I become frustrated when my hair grew, trying to forget the inevitable process.
10. I couldn’t wear any color clothes or makeup that was not black, grey, blue or something similar. Some of my experimentation was stunted.
11. I want to give the part of myself who wants to be invisible sometimes some compassion. I think everyone has times they want to disappear, and I can’t.
12. Everyone I have met since coming to color has only one image of me, based in a superficial aspect of my appearance. I want people to know what I really look like.
13. I worry that if I do continue to build myself around the blue, then I leave college and for some reason have to change it, my sense of self will be very fragile and easily destroyed. I want to shoot first.
14. There isn’t anything wrong with my natural hair color. It is ok to want to fit in sometimes. I could be kind of normal for a little while, leave something to be desired. People would actually have to know me to think they knew me.
15. I have looked the same since 2015. Pictures of me for 3 years show someone frozen in time. I need to grow.

Here is a brief summary of the experience of cutting my hair and dying it brown. I think that the cut itself made the change more palatable for people, as it seemed like another big change that didn’t simply have to do with the color. I feel much better and more like myself with this hair, so I am very glad I had to cut it. I even deleted Instagram from my phone and I  feel great about that. An interesting note was I didn’t need this card for strangers, only people who somewhat know me.

I am glad I made the cards because although I only handed out around 20 of them, they served their purpose of saving me from having to explain my choices over and over. Here are some of the reactions I received

• I  showed the prototype card to a male acquaintance who mocked it. He was the only one who said something derogatory.
• The rest of the reactions were mostly positive and included people not knowing how to respond, and some gave me the card back.
• Some people thought the card was funny
• The best reaction was from one of my bosses who is in the same generation as my parents I think. She laughed and hugged me and asked to keep it which suprised me.

Who knows if people who received the card actually read the whole manifesto. I am just glad I had soemthig to do when people asked me “why.”

The first in-depth project we worked on was an abstract study of an object and complementary colors. I chose a knife, blue and orange. The most fun I had during this project was creating the chromatic grays, I had never created color in that way before.

The next series we worked on was a study of fruit still lives. I was much more interested in this than the abstract nature of the prior project. There were quite a few moments where I felt like I had no idea what I was doing in terms of blending the paint and using brushstroke which was a little scary, but I pushed through any feelings of insecurity. I liked working from still life as I could try to match the colors I was seeing in the fruit to the colors of the paint. I felt myself grow so much during the series of three paintings, in both technical skill but more importantly in confidence. At the time of creating those paintings I was very proud of the final product, looking back now I am more critical. If I think I could do better now I should definitely try again at some point and see how it goes.

The next piece I worked on was a huge leap of faith into a completely different subject. I created a photoshop composition inspired by the works of Magritte and I painted based on many different source images. It was an interesting transition from complete realism to fantasy, but I think it set me up very well for my final project.

Prior to my final project, I wanted to work from real life again to try to experiment more with technique, which I did through my carousel painting. Painting can be both frustrating and miraculous, while I was working on this painting it seemed like it would never come together, but slowly and surely over time, the colors began to create depth in the image.

My final project was a huge breakthrough for me, mostly because I really enjoyed working on it. I loved creating the skin tones, depth, and shadows, it felt like carving more than painting. I have worked on many images involving the body being pierced by ribbons so it was natural to me to paint this image. I am also glad I added clouds, it brought the whole painting together. It reminds me of some of the photoshop work I did earlier in 2017.

Inspired by how much fun I had painting my face and body I did a study as well as another fanciful painting independent of my class.

I am so thankful that Jeffrey was my painting instructor. He was always very encouraging and pushed me in a positive way that was crucial to give me the confidence I needed to continue painting. 

I took a couple practice photos before Julia helped me take my source photos. I used photoshop to create my actual source photo. I like this photo quite a lot even though I did a messy job of editing.

I did quite a few studies to figure out the composition and colors I wanted to use as well as get a better understanding of the image. To scale up the image Prof. Emerson suggested that I use a projector which was such a good move, I saved so much time that would have been spent stressing over proportions. I used that time instead to focus on color and my technique.

The studies excited me, but almost as soon as I started working on the final I knew I would be disappointed with it visually. The photoshopped source image actually felt like it could have been a final product to me, which I think caused the frustration I felt with the piece. I do not think the medium really added anything to the piece that could not have been achieved in photoshop. This realization was extremely productive for me though, and in the future, I will make sure to think more deeply about how the image I am choosing to portray relates to the medium.

My end product actually involves technology in a way that is as inescapable as it is. For such a long time I thought there was a right way to look because of the society I have been raised in. Now technology is inherent in perpetuating beauty ideals. This piece is titled “Instagram” as it meant to investigate the way we are pushed to create images of ourselves on social media that may conflict with our lived realities. My work also seems to deal with dysphoria whether I am thinking about it actively or not.

I had another idea in my mind for pairs that I am glad I was able to execute. I enjoy representations of romance and relationships, so originally I wanted to make a work of me and my boyfriend. But I realized I could not get a source picture of us without it being inauthentic. During my work on the first phase of Pairs, I saw this photo of my friend (Yen) and their boyfriend on Instagram and I was really drawn to it.

It is what I wanted to capture in my own relationship- an authentic, deep moment. It is actually unclear how Yen is feeling, their boyfriend seems protective, and there is an intense intimacy that attracted me.

The drawing is pretty simple but I think the charcoal gives the image an interesting equality of tone. I have difficulty with going darker and using more shadows so I tried to challenge myself to go darker when I could. I am glad that I included the motif of the weaving over their figures. It gives the drawing a darkness, it could indicate the fear of the outside world or the tangle within their relationship that exists because of the clashes of their personalities.

Overall this piece is a lot more satisfying to me. During the critique, everyone seemed to be quite attracted to it. I enjoyed working with this subject matter a lot so it is definitely something I would like to continue with.

I finally let myself loose in my Self Portrait. I was able to channel the expression of the portrait- fear and despair- into compulsive line making. I have drawn in a scribbly, line heavy way since middle school. It felt cathartic to not worry about making everything perfect immediately, and be able to channel emotion into the piece. In that way I was able to layer lines and charcoal until I was satisfied with the values. I really enjoy how visible my touch is. There are clear fingerprints and hand marks which I am finding are my aesthetic. I like the freedom that comes in refusing perfection.

“I thought you said you would never hurt me!”

With “Faucet” I played with some new tools, including liquify. After much play I was able to use liquify to lengthen and curve the stream of water. I also drew on this piece to shade the water and create the droplets. This was the first work that combined drawing with the tablet and photography, which was super exciting for me. I also used the layer blending option which created a ghostly effect I really enjoy. I allowed this piece to become more conceptual with placing the faucet directly on top without interacting with my body.

“Tangle” is definitely the cumulation of all of the processes and gathering thoughts I had during the creation of this series. “Tangle” is about how my identity is in constant battle with itself, the inner arguments I have about gender and identity are constant and ongoing. The confusion that is created by the overlapping arms for the viewer is the confusion I feel if I think about myself too hard. I purposefully left only one face with open eyes that meet the gaze of the viewer. This clear gaze represents my hope that I can find my way through the mess of thoughts to just exist and find peace. The downturned faces contrast this eyes open face, with their unopened eyes that create a sense of self doubt. I create my identity visually and the color blue has become very important to me, so I had to have a huge plane of blue in the piece since my hair isn’t seen.

To summarize my prior works in this series, the images depict my searching to find something within myself and battling negative emotions and self doubt.

When I went back home for Thanksgiving break, I was able to have my mom (a professional photographer) take pictures for me. This was, I realize now, essential to my project. These pictures are beautiful by themselves because of the quality, which makes my current play works much more attractive. My mom also gave me a few photoshop tips which I am extremely grateful for, including but not limited to- spot healer, curves, and blending layers. I am glad i got to see her process and how different it is from mine. It reminded me that there are infinite possibilities with Photoshop, and I need to continue expanding my repertoire of tools. I have been playing with the curves and changing colors, as well as learning more about masks (how to flatten mask layers!!). 

My process is a lot faster now that I have developed a method.

I haven’t been thinking too deeply about concept or defining my motives because I can feel that the concepts are there lurking under the surface, waiting for whenever I want to discover them. I enjoy simply losing myself in the process. A few things I have considered conceptually involve emotional states, and how I can represent the feelings of isolation/inner emptiness I can feel at times. Because my last works deal with gender, I also feel like these pieces illustrate that unlike other people I have nothing/ no gender inside me where it is expected. I am also thinking about, in my works like Twins and Forest, what it means for me to support myself. I am glad Prof. Ruby told me to just keep making as many collages as I could, without worrying too much about the meaning. She also told me to continue to complicate the images and consider the “rules” of the worlds I am creating within my art. I think I took that advice to heart pretty well.

These are relatively in the order I made them. They definitely became more playful.

I have to mention Bunny Michael, a queer artist who I follow on instagram. Their inspirational works deal with them and their “higher self” and after making my images I saw that there was a visual (maybe conceptual) connection between our art. Check them out here. http://bunnymichael.com/

Sandy Skoglund’s work instantly captivated me. She uses color and live/unalive forms to create strong juxtapositions that draw in and confound the viewer. I enjoyed all of her work but found these two examples especially interesting. In “Palm Trees in Suspense” Skoglund uses photoshop in a collage method similar to ours! She focuses on high resolution photos and color to create a scene that draws the viewer in and makes the eye tumble around the image, trying to make sense of it. The picture has this sense of movement and action, as though it is a candid snapshot. That idea is contrasted with the obvious unrealistic color.

In “Fresh Hybrid” Skoglund uses both live humans and humanoid sculpture which is extremely surreal. Although color continues to be important in this work, to me texture and form are more essential. They make the space seem real, although we know it is not entirely. She warps our perception.

The more I think about Sandy Skoglund, the more I am inspired by her work. What was fun about my last series was the warping of perception, but I like the way she achieves that effect seamlessly. Color is so vital to her work, it really helps pull the viewer in. I want my works to play with color and perception in the way hers do. I am going to work with my body to continue the theme of my last series. I need to find the factor, however, that will create dissonance and interest. Right now in my play stage I have created images with interest but without the discomfort I desire. I want to continue thinking about my body and perceptions of it, possibly thinking of gender as well.

Here are two slightly different versions of today’s play.

I am not sure how to tell exactly when theses little sketches are done. Usually with anything I work on it takes me a few days of playing with the piece before I feel comfortable moving on. I need to feel comfortable with the ideas and the visual I am working on, which requires me to have time to sit with the inherent and developed meanings of the piece.

Jan Van Eyck had time to reflect on the pieces, and maybe find deeper meaning for himself. I decided to go back to my doodles from previous days if I want to. Giving myself space is needed for this practice, even if there are parameters outside myself. I enjoy the challenge and have been drawing a new piece about every day so far!

I have been relaxing and letting myself play more with familiar concepts while still challenging myself to try new things, or try old things again. Here are a few of the recent works that are kind of similar. 

I had more fun and felt more comfortable when I moved on from blind contouring and began playing with the tablet and Photoshop tools. I decided to set an aesthetic for myself that involved filling in any open, empty spaces with blocks of color from the sketches near them. I used the lasso tool to create clean shapes and filled in those shapes with my paintbrush. I also adjusted the opacity of the edge shapes so that the line work underneath was still visible. I think the end result was interesting for sure. I spent more time on this aspect of the process more because I enjoyed the control of the medium.