My Working Question- How can I make compelling art that shows the process of my eating disorder and recovery in a way that feels authentic and innovative?

My hours, which I may not have recorded fully

The only artist I was able to find who works explicitly with eating disorders as her subject matter (also does happenings!) – Maria Raquel Cochez

Here is the culmination of my works this semester. Click on the videos to watch them!

I am grateful that I had the time and space this semester to delve deeply into my art and artistic process. It felt so good to uncover the themes that seem inherent to my work and examine them. I finally embraced the fact that I make art about my eating disorder and recovery, it seems like it steeps into all of my art and was present even before I realized it consciously. I also have noticed that BDSM visual themes find their way into my art as well. Maybe that is because BDSM and EDs have much in common in terms of hunger, wanting, restraint, bondage, and punishment. This is a relationship I hope to explore further in my future art.

Here is a humorous video exploring food BDSM

When we were encouraged to research what was interesting to us, I began to dig into the intersections of Eating Disorder and art. I wanted to find art about EDs that was for more than purely symbolic representational or for therapeutic value. I read “Sublime Hunger, a Consideration of Eating Disorders Beyond Beauty” and my mind was blown. I started thinking about how EDs are so much bigger than just appearances and concern about weight. Eating disorders are addictions, they are ritualistic, they are comforting and stabilizing, they are powerful. I want to make art that concerns all the things about EDs that one cannot so easily see. I am also interested in this topic because it is very difficult to find artists that are explicitly working with ED’s as their subject matter. I think they need to be spoken about in more contexts so they can be more deeply understood and have the stigma around them broken down.

With this knowledge, I was able to create the video Water Talk, which depicts me both drinking water and walking into a pool fully clothed. This video showed my descent into the ED behaviors while my other works this semester show my struggles with recovery.

I started this semester’s research thinking that I should create more photoshop self-portraits (which I do enjoy making and I want to work on more in the future). However, I was very glad when Professor Ruby suggested that I push myself by experimenting. From this discussion I set up three experiences: Dinnertime Happening, Blue eating, and Donut Game. The results of the Dinnertime Happening were very exciting, I felt that Maya and I both being blindfolded and her struggling to feed me was a very good representation of my body reconnecting to my brain and the difficulty of it in recovery. It felt exciting to know that I could make art about recovery, not just the worst depths of my ED. That gave me hope. Blue eating felt a bit weak but possibly could be a place of more exploration (what does it mean to eat like a child, play with my food, coerce myself into eating)? The Donut Game was incredibly silly. It was based off a game that I and Gracie (the other player) had experienced as children. I added the hand ties to our version because I knew I would cheat otherwise and it made it adult difficulty. This experiment specifically sparked questions about similarities between EDs and BDSM as it was visually very BDSM. There were elements of restriction and pleasure in this piece that are inherent to both. Does the restriction cause pleasure? I would like to recreate this experiment again with some different foods and people.

I felt as though I should include the video “Leave You,” as it contains themes of containment, loss, interpersonal struggle and bondage. It would be very easy to assign my ED big ideas to this video.

Next, I came up with the idea for “Stomach Punch.” It came from me thinking about how by having an ED for so long I basically might have punched a hole in my gut. EDs do irreparable damage to one’s body and I will be dealing with the physical consequences of mine for a very long time. I did the initial painting in two hours because I did not want to become too precious with it and not want to punch it. When I punched the representation of my stomach and it felt satisfying in a sick way. Then I felt guilty for doing it, and I was filled with some regret. Eventually, during the process of sewing, I was able to overcome this feeling. The process of sewing took so much longer and was much more difficult than the instant relief of the punch, but in the end, I was glad I repaired the painting. The scar is still there, but it also adds something to the piece. This action was a pure metaphor for my ED.

A longtime goal for my art is to move away from self-port portraiture. I want to do this to make my work more universal and less self-centered, which is why I was glad when Maya asked me to paint a large nude of her. Because she wants to give this portrait to her boyfriend I thought it would be humorous to model her pose after Venus of Urbino by Titian. I also included fruit and flowers in the picture because she really likes to eat fruit. I think the image has some type of symbolic meaning about recovery but I haven’t figured that out yet, maybe I will when I finish the painting. I like the challenge of painting and spending the time with it.

I do not feel bound to any medium specifically and am happy I got to play with a variety of mediums this semester. This work felt incredibly productive and powerful and I cannot wait to continue in my senior seminar next year. 

I realized after giving my presentation to my peers I am not making art about eating disorders, but art about the process of recovering from an eating disorder! It is very hopeful for me to recognize that.

I have been able to discover so much about premiere pro this semester which has been quite exciting. On some level, there are similarities between photoshop and premiere, which helped my initial approach to the software. After playing a bit with more simple concepts such as creating a video that looped or a video that only consisted of sound, I moved onto more conceptually stimulating projects.

Water talk was part of the beginning of my investigation of how I can authentically but also curiously represent my eating disorder and recovery. When brainstorming for the video I had a couple of false leads of ideas, but this idea suddenly emerged with much clarity. It is an artistic documentation of toxic behaviors that I used during the descent into my eating disorder. I was more interested in the visual aspect of this piece and wrote the spoken word aspect in about 2 minutes to match what I saw in my head. I am sure I was at least slightly inspired by the video Blue Jeans by Lana Del Rey, and the book The Awakening. The reason I wore a robe was to make the whole thing seem dreamy and surreal.

Filming this video was a little stressful because the environment was very volatile, the streetlight kept going out and turning back on so we had to rush to film. But Mayra did a great job and definitely captured the visual I was looking for. While editing this video I learned a lot of skills including how to operate the opacity and play with the colors of footage. I played a lot with the timing of the images to give myself the feel I was going for.

I think the most important part of this film is the end where I explode out of the water, hinting to recovery.

Talking to Ruby has been an essential part of this brainstorming process. She suggested that I create this word-map that shows how expansive my conceptualization is of eating disorders so that I can see all of the space that exists for me to make art inside of.

I have made two works recently that I think are both very successful beginnings of this investigation of how I can authentically but also curiously represent my eating disorder and recovery. The first project is my video Water Talk. I was more interested in the visuals and wrote the spoken word aspect in about 2 minutes because those words are a part of me they were easy to regurgitate. I think the most important part of this film is the end where I explode out of the water, hinting to recovery. Even more interesting is the idea of sexuality, and I wonder how does sexuality interact with ideas of eating disorders? They are obviously related but I want to mine deeper about how.

After much discussion with Ruby, I sat and thought deeply about how to challenge myself and be experiential. I thought about how trusting others in my art is something I have almost never done. I also do not usually explicitly include food in my work. Combining these elements, I had Maya feed me while we were both blindfolded to create my Dinnertime Happening. An important thing Maya brought up during our discussion after the happening is that I am not making art about spiraling deeper, I am making work about me trying to claw myself out of this hole and recover. The happening had a sense of play and mothering which was really positive for both of us.

The happening was messy and kind of gross which made it more interesting to me.

Going forward I want to create more happenings, as well as creating visceral and tactile pieces. I want to play and punch things and be wild in my art so that I can find out about how I make art and why I do. I think I need to look a little deeper inside of myself to see what is going on, but not let that prevent me from going with my gut. I am very excited.

I have been thinking about it literally all the time, and I have tried to record it with this chart but need to be mroe on top of it. I know I have done more than this.

Here are some other things I have been ruminating on

• Can an eating disorder be separated conceptually from its context (being a woman/ living in america/ the news)?
  • If no how can that be shown in art?
• What about typical/ therapeutic eating disorder art turns me off? Why is it so repetitive?
  • What is it about representing recovery is different from representing the spiral?
• Why is eating disorder art so hard to find? Is it actually more common than I think but just less explicit?