The first in-depth project we worked on was an abstract study of an object and complementary colors. I chose a knife, blue and orange. The most fun I had during this project was creating the chromatic grays, I had never created color in that way before.

The next series we worked on was a study of fruit still lives. I was much more interested in this than the abstract nature of the prior project. There were quite a few moments where I felt like I had no idea what I was doing in terms of blending the paint and using brushstroke which was a little scary, but I pushed through any feelings of insecurity. I liked working from still life as I could try to match the colors I was seeing in the fruit to the colors of the paint. I felt myself grow so much during the series of three paintings, in both technical skill but more importantly in confidence. At the time of creating those paintings I was very proud of the final product, looking back now I am more critical. If I think I could do better now I should definitely try again at some point and see how it goes.

The next piece I worked on was a huge leap of faith into a completely different subject. I created a photoshop composition inspired by the works of Magritte and I painted based on many different source images. It was an interesting transition from complete realism to fantasy, but I think it set me up very well for my final project.

Prior to my final project, I wanted to work from real life again to try to experiment more with technique, which I did through my carousel painting. Painting can be both frustrating and miraculous, while I was working on this painting it seemed like it would never come together, but slowly and surely over time, the colors began to create depth in the image.

My final project was a huge breakthrough for me, mostly because I really enjoyed working on it. I loved creating the skin tones, depth, and shadows, it felt like carving more than painting. I have worked on many images involving the body being pierced by ribbons so it was natural to me to paint this image. I am also glad I added clouds, it brought the whole painting together. It reminds me of some of the photoshop work I did earlier in 2017.

Inspired by how much fun I had painting my face and body I did a study as well as another fanciful painting independent of my class.

I am so thankful that Jeffrey was my painting instructor. He was always very encouraging and pushed me in a positive way that was crucial to give me the confidence I needed to continue painting. 

Concept

After working on the Pairs project and channeling the passion I have for investigating romantic relationships, I felt that it made sense for me to focus on my own relationship. I realize that I have been preparing for this project in an unconscious way for a long time, by compiling pictures of me and Moses and documenting our relationship in various ways. I also wanted to include aspects of the current political situation (which I have increasingly tried to ignore with little success) into the series. When we first met we bonded over our mutual disgust of recent politics, and the social climate felt overwhelmingly pessimistic. Both of us have had apprehension for each others safety. I know that I deeply fear for his well being as a black man. Although he has not expressed this to me explicitly, I know the huge rise in visibility around sexual assault may also make him question my bodily safety. Although the current political climate is terrifying, I cannot help but find so much joy in the love that he and I share. So this project is meant to express the love we have and our conflict with the world. The personal is still very political, and our identities are in part formed by these politics. In this project, I focus on political events that have informed our relationship or happened while we were together, such as Donald Trump’s election, the massive uncovering of sexual assaults, as well as the Charlottesville and other protests and counter-protests. I keep in mind that our love was illegal not too long ago in this country.

Medium/ Materials

I was very excited to finally use the huge photography backdrop my mom had given me which has been sitting in my room for a year. I used the gray paper for its political undertone- there seems to be a lack of gray in the strongly partisan feeling of our political scene. And the gray is also a joking mix of Moses and my races, but it is meant to tone down the differences between us and give neither a visual upper hand. This gray paper is strong and soft, perfect for holding graphite. I decided to work in graphite as it was a medium I had not used large scale before and needed something that would hold up when rubbed. I found the process of working with pencil much more inviting than I had with charcoal, the ability to control the medium was a welcome change. I think it was important that to capture Moses and me, only gray tones were used. In the critique, people commented a lot about how this tonal closeness created intimacy in the work.

Besides the grey paper and pencil, I also used a transferring/tracing method involving chalk pastel. I used red to trace out the news headlines that affected me, and blue to trace the text conversations between Moses and I. I also traced some scenes out in black charcoal, three from news broadcasts but one of our intimate life.

Process

At first, I had to re-immerse myself in the news to find my source material which was upsetting. Reliving the feelings I felt during the inauguration and the Charlottesville rally was not fun. These events had a damaging effect on my psyche which is relieved when I see media from these events. I think most people my age feel the same way, that we all were attacked. Once I had done the work to find the source images, I found the overall process of creating this work extremely cathartic. It was so nice to spend hours looking at photos of Moses and I spending time together and having good experiences, it was almost like living inside that feeling while trying to recreate it visually. I got into a meditative feeling that I don’t think I really had during prior drawing projects. Through this work, I unexpectedly gained peace and solstice by contemplating our relationship. Seeing how happy he is with me by actually studying his face in these photos allowed me to deal with some of my own delusions.

Reflections

I discovered things about our relationship through looking at these photos and visually analyzing them for hours. I found things like his deep affection that shows in photos even from when we first met, as well as my submission and preservation of the relationship. This project started to feel really successful for me when I began layering the text. I think I captured the confusion and cacophony of our lives, as well as our intimacy. I think it was important to only outline the news videos, to make the klansmen that are still living into characters. There is a conceptual complexity of this project that I think may have been a bit overwhelming at times, but in the same way, the elements of our lives are also overwhelmingly complex. Unlike many of the other drawings I have created so far for this class, I felt confident for this project that drawing was the right medium to create it in. The drawings mean more to both me, and I assume the viewer as well, because of the love I am attempting to capture and recreate in physical gesture.  

Overall I didn’t really care about what anyone else had to say about this project except Moses. His reaction when he saw the pieces in person was priceless. His description of the project felt very accurate and was also validating for me. He said that it was “ a perfect mix of our intimate moments juxtaposed with the world” and that “We are a bastion from the other stuff going on” as well as that I “did what [I] set out to do.” I think at the bottom of this project is my desire to communicate the complexity and beauty of our relationship that is hard to describe in words.

I took a couple practice photos before Julia helped me take my source photos. I used photoshop to create my actual source photo. I like this photo quite a lot even though I did a messy job of editing.

I did quite a few studies to figure out the composition and colors I wanted to use as well as get a better understanding of the image. To scale up the image Prof. Emerson suggested that I use a projector which was such a good move, I saved so much time that would have been spent stressing over proportions. I used that time instead to focus on color and my technique.

The studies excited me, but almost as soon as I started working on the final I knew I would be disappointed with it visually. The photoshopped source image actually felt like it could have been a final product to me, which I think caused the frustration I felt with the piece. I do not think the medium really added anything to the piece that could not have been achieved in photoshop. This realization was extremely productive for me though, and in the future, I will make sure to think more deeply about how the image I am choosing to portray relates to the medium.

My end product actually involves technology in a way that is as inescapable as it is. For such a long time I thought there was a right way to look because of the society I have been raised in. Now technology is inherent in perpetuating beauty ideals. This piece is titled “Instagram” as it meant to investigate the way we are pushed to create images of ourselves on social media that may conflict with our lived realities. My work also seems to deal with dysphoria whether I am thinking about it actively or not.

I had another idea in my mind for pairs that I am glad I was able to execute. I enjoy representations of romance and relationships, so originally I wanted to make a work of me and my boyfriend. But I realized I could not get a source picture of us without it being inauthentic. During my work on the first phase of Pairs, I saw this photo of my friend (Yen) and their boyfriend on Instagram and I was really drawn to it.

It is what I wanted to capture in my own relationship- an authentic, deep moment. It is actually unclear how Yen is feeling, their boyfriend seems protective, and there is an intense intimacy that attracted me.

The drawing is pretty simple but I think the charcoal gives the image an interesting equality of tone. I have difficulty with going darker and using more shadows so I tried to challenge myself to go darker when I could. I am glad that I included the motif of the weaving over their figures. It gives the drawing a darkness, it could indicate the fear of the outside world or the tangle within their relationship that exists because of the clashes of their personalities.

Overall this piece is a lot more satisfying to me. During the critique, everyone seemed to be quite attracted to it. I enjoyed working with this subject matter a lot so it is definitely something I would like to continue with.

With “Faucet” I played with some new tools, including liquify. After much play I was able to use liquify to lengthen and curve the stream of water. I also drew on this piece to shade the water and create the droplets. This was the first work that combined drawing with the tablet and photography, which was super exciting for me. I also used the layer blending option which created a ghostly effect I really enjoy. I allowed this piece to become more conceptual with placing the faucet directly on top without interacting with my body.

“Tangle” is definitely the cumulation of all of the processes and gathering thoughts I had during the creation of this series. “Tangle” is about how my identity is in constant battle with itself, the inner arguments I have about gender and identity are constant and ongoing. The confusion that is created by the overlapping arms for the viewer is the confusion I feel if I think about myself too hard. I purposefully left only one face with open eyes that meet the gaze of the viewer. This clear gaze represents my hope that I can find my way through the mess of thoughts to just exist and find peace. The downturned faces contrast this eyes open face, with their unopened eyes that create a sense of self doubt. I create my identity visually and the color blue has become very important to me, so I had to have a huge plane of blue in the piece since my hair isn’t seen.

To summarize my prior works in this series, the images depict my searching to find something within myself and battling negative emotions and self doubt.

When I went back home for Thanksgiving break, I was able to have my mom (a professional photographer) take pictures for me. This was, I realize now, essential to my project. These pictures are beautiful by themselves because of the quality, which makes my current play works much more attractive. My mom also gave me a few photoshop tips which I am extremely grateful for, including but not limited to- spot healer, curves, and blending layers. I am glad i got to see her process and how different it is from mine. It reminded me that there are infinite possibilities with Photoshop, and I need to continue expanding my repertoire of tools. I have been playing with the curves and changing colors, as well as learning more about masks (how to flatten mask layers!!). 

My process is a lot faster now that I have developed a method.

I haven’t been thinking too deeply about concept or defining my motives because I can feel that the concepts are there lurking under the surface, waiting for whenever I want to discover them. I enjoy simply losing myself in the process. A few things I have considered conceptually involve emotional states, and how I can represent the feelings of isolation/inner emptiness I can feel at times. Because my last works deal with gender, I also feel like these pieces illustrate that unlike other people I have nothing/ no gender inside me where it is expected. I am also thinking about, in my works like Twins and Forest, what it means for me to support myself. I am glad Prof. Ruby told me to just keep making as many collages as I could, without worrying too much about the meaning. She also told me to continue to complicate the images and consider the “rules” of the worlds I am creating within my art. I think I took that advice to heart pretty well.

These are relatively in the order I made them. They definitely became more playful.

I have to mention Bunny Michael, a queer artist who I follow on instagram. Their inspirational works deal with them and their “higher self” and after making my images I saw that there was a visual (maybe conceptual) connection between our art. Check them out here. http://bunnymichael.com/

I am not sure how to tell exactly when theses little sketches are done. Usually with anything I work on it takes me a few days of playing with the piece before I feel comfortable moving on. I need to feel comfortable with the ideas and the visual I am working on, which requires me to have time to sit with the inherent and developed meanings of the piece.

Jan Van Eyck had time to reflect on the pieces, and maybe find deeper meaning for himself. I decided to go back to my doodles from previous days if I want to. Giving myself space is needed for this practice, even if there are parameters outside myself. I enjoy the challenge and have been drawing a new piece about every day so far!

I have been relaxing and letting myself play more with familiar concepts while still challenging myself to try new things, or try old things again. Here are a few of the recent works that are kind of similar. 

It was all about seeing, not about making. We were tasked with using our hand to draw the outlines our eyes made while we were looking. It was all about the process, although the product was quite interesting. It was strange to see a meaningless scribble on the page, which was vastly different from the detailed sketch in my head. I began to realize that the reality I was witnessing was much more complex than the ideas I held about each object I drew. Reality isn’t perfect in my eyes.

At first I was confused about the contour aspect of vision and was focusing on line. Eventually I began to see the shadows and the shapes they created. It was continuously difficult for me to go slow. Part of who I am is an inability to slow when I am doing things I am passionate about, I rush naturally. When I did attempt to be more deliberate with each line, the product became more like the vision in my head. However, I enjoy the aesthetic of the random chaotic scribbles.

I found myself still thinking “how can I make this look good? I want this to look pretty” at some points throughout the process. I fought that deep seeded teaching by using my left hand. I knew that there was no way to make it perfect with my left hand so the entirety of my focus was on the shapes I was seeing. It was a somewhat difficult process, but quite enjoyable overall. I liked the feeling of letting go.

Here are my “finished drawings”

I do start every drawing with the intention of surprising myself, however I almost always revert to the same subject: my (w)hole girls.  I’ve been drawing female figures with holes in their bodies for about a year now at least. Something about this type of image truly encompasses how I feel. I’m very attached to the gentle female forms contrasted by gaping holes and wounds. I have also been working on cover art for someone very close to my heart. I realized that scanning my doodles makes them look more finished so hopefully that is how I can upload most of the future ones.

I hope to continue drawing every day this month to the best of my ability and I’m excited to see what I have by the end!