The first in-depth project we worked on was an abstract study of an object and complementary colors. I chose a knife, blue and orange. The most fun I had during this project was creating the chromatic grays, I had never created color in that way before.

The next series we worked on was a study of fruit still lives. I was much more interested in this than the abstract nature of the prior project. There were quite a few moments where I felt like I had no idea what I was doing in terms of blending the paint and using brushstroke which was a little scary, but I pushed through any feelings of insecurity. I liked working from still life as I could try to match the colors I was seeing in the fruit to the colors of the paint. I felt myself grow so much during the series of three paintings, in both technical skill but more importantly in confidence. At the time of creating those paintings I was very proud of the final product, looking back now I am more critical. If I think I could do better now I should definitely try again at some point and see how it goes.

The next piece I worked on was a huge leap of faith into a completely different subject. I created a photoshop composition inspired by the works of Magritte and I painted based on many different source images. It was an interesting transition from complete realism to fantasy, but I think it set me up very well for my final project.

Prior to my final project, I wanted to work from real life again to try to experiment more with technique, which I did through my carousel painting. Painting can be both frustrating and miraculous, while I was working on this painting it seemed like it would never come together, but slowly and surely over time, the colors began to create depth in the image.

My final project was a huge breakthrough for me, mostly because I really enjoyed working on it. I loved creating the skin tones, depth, and shadows, it felt like carving more than painting. I have worked on many images involving the body being pierced by ribbons so it was natural to me to paint this image. I am also glad I added clouds, it brought the whole painting together. It reminds me of some of the photoshop work I did earlier in 2017.

Inspired by how much fun I had painting my face and body I did a study as well as another fanciful painting independent of my class.

I am so thankful that Jeffrey was my painting instructor. He was always very encouraging and pushed me in a positive way that was crucial to give me the confidence I needed to continue painting. 

Concept

After working on the Pairs project and channeling the passion I have for investigating romantic relationships, I felt that it made sense for me to focus on my own relationship. I realize that I have been preparing for this project in an unconscious way for a long time, by compiling pictures of me and Moses and documenting our relationship in various ways. I also wanted to include aspects of the current political situation (which I have increasingly tried to ignore with little success) into the series. When we first met we bonded over our mutual disgust of recent politics, and the social climate felt overwhelmingly pessimistic. Both of us have had apprehension for each others safety. I know that I deeply fear for his well being as a black man. Although he has not expressed this to me explicitly, I know the huge rise in visibility around sexual assault may also make him question my bodily safety. Although the current political climate is terrifying, I cannot help but find so much joy in the love that he and I share. So this project is meant to express the love we have and our conflict with the world. The personal is still very political, and our identities are in part formed by these politics. In this project, I focus on political events that have informed our relationship or happened while we were together, such as Donald Trump’s election, the massive uncovering of sexual assaults, as well as the Charlottesville and other protests and counter-protests. I keep in mind that our love was illegal not too long ago in this country.

Medium/ Materials

I was very excited to finally use the huge photography backdrop my mom had given me which has been sitting in my room for a year. I used the gray paper for its political undertone- there seems to be a lack of gray in the strongly partisan feeling of our political scene. And the gray is also a joking mix of Moses and my races, but it is meant to tone down the differences between us and give neither a visual upper hand. This gray paper is strong and soft, perfect for holding graphite. I decided to work in graphite as it was a medium I had not used large scale before and needed something that would hold up when rubbed. I found the process of working with pencil much more inviting than I had with charcoal, the ability to control the medium was a welcome change. I think it was important that to capture Moses and me, only gray tones were used. In the critique, people commented a lot about how this tonal closeness created intimacy in the work.

Besides the grey paper and pencil, I also used a transferring/tracing method involving chalk pastel. I used red to trace out the news headlines that affected me, and blue to trace the text conversations between Moses and I. I also traced some scenes out in black charcoal, three from news broadcasts but one of our intimate life.

Process

At first, I had to re-immerse myself in the news to find my source material which was upsetting. Reliving the feelings I felt during the inauguration and the Charlottesville rally was not fun. These events had a damaging effect on my psyche which is relieved when I see media from these events. I think most people my age feel the same way, that we all were attacked. Once I had done the work to find the source images, I found the overall process of creating this work extremely cathartic. It was so nice to spend hours looking at photos of Moses and I spending time together and having good experiences, it was almost like living inside that feeling while trying to recreate it visually. I got into a meditative feeling that I don’t think I really had during prior drawing projects. Through this work, I unexpectedly gained peace and solstice by contemplating our relationship. Seeing how happy he is with me by actually studying his face in these photos allowed me to deal with some of my own delusions.

Reflections

I discovered things about our relationship through looking at these photos and visually analyzing them for hours. I found things like his deep affection that shows in photos even from when we first met, as well as my submission and preservation of the relationship. This project started to feel really successful for me when I began layering the text. I think I captured the confusion and cacophony of our lives, as well as our intimacy. I think it was important to only outline the news videos, to make the klansmen that are still living into characters. There is a conceptual complexity of this project that I think may have been a bit overwhelming at times, but in the same way, the elements of our lives are also overwhelmingly complex. Unlike many of the other drawings I have created so far for this class, I felt confident for this project that drawing was the right medium to create it in. The drawings mean more to both me, and I assume the viewer as well, because of the love I am attempting to capture and recreate in physical gesture.  

Overall I didn’t really care about what anyone else had to say about this project except Moses. His reaction when he saw the pieces in person was priceless. His description of the project felt very accurate and was also validating for me. He said that it was “ a perfect mix of our intimate moments juxtaposed with the world” and that “We are a bastion from the other stuff going on” as well as that I “did what [I] set out to do.” I think at the bottom of this project is my desire to communicate the complexity and beauty of our relationship that is hard to describe in words.

I took a couple practice photos before Julia helped me take my source photos. I used photoshop to create my actual source photo. I like this photo quite a lot even though I did a messy job of editing.

I did quite a few studies to figure out the composition and colors I wanted to use as well as get a better understanding of the image. To scale up the image Prof. Emerson suggested that I use a projector which was such a good move, I saved so much time that would have been spent stressing over proportions. I used that time instead to focus on color and my technique.

The studies excited me, but almost as soon as I started working on the final I knew I would be disappointed with it visually. The photoshopped source image actually felt like it could have been a final product to me, which I think caused the frustration I felt with the piece. I do not think the medium really added anything to the piece that could not have been achieved in photoshop. This realization was extremely productive for me though, and in the future, I will make sure to think more deeply about how the image I am choosing to portray relates to the medium.

My end product actually involves technology in a way that is as inescapable as it is. For such a long time I thought there was a right way to look because of the society I have been raised in. Now technology is inherent in perpetuating beauty ideals. This piece is titled “Instagram” as it meant to investigate the way we are pushed to create images of ourselves on social media that may conflict with our lived realities. My work also seems to deal with dysphoria whether I am thinking about it actively or not.

I had another idea in my mind for pairs that I am glad I was able to execute. I enjoy representations of romance and relationships, so originally I wanted to make a work of me and my boyfriend. But I realized I could not get a source picture of us without it being inauthentic. During my work on the first phase of Pairs, I saw this photo of my friend (Yen) and their boyfriend on Instagram and I was really drawn to it.

It is what I wanted to capture in my own relationship- an authentic, deep moment. It is actually unclear how Yen is feeling, their boyfriend seems protective, and there is an intense intimacy that attracted me.

The drawing is pretty simple but I think the charcoal gives the image an interesting equality of tone. I have difficulty with going darker and using more shadows so I tried to challenge myself to go darker when I could. I am glad that I included the motif of the weaving over their figures. It gives the drawing a darkness, it could indicate the fear of the outside world or the tangle within their relationship that exists because of the clashes of their personalities.

Overall this piece is a lot more satisfying to me. During the critique, everyone seemed to be quite attracted to it. I enjoyed working with this subject matter a lot so it is definitely something I would like to continue with.

I finally let myself loose in my Self Portrait. I was able to channel the expression of the portrait- fear and despair- into compulsive line making. I have drawn in a scribbly, line heavy way since middle school. It felt cathartic to not worry about making everything perfect immediately, and be able to channel emotion into the piece. In that way I was able to layer lines and charcoal until I was satisfied with the values. I really enjoy how visible my touch is. There are clear fingerprints and hand marks which I am finding are my aesthetic. I like the freedom that comes in refusing perfection.

“I thought you said you would never hurt me!”

Even though I have only completed two works for this class so far, I am feeling exciting changes in my process. In the past my artistic process was characterized by an uncontrollable impulsiveness. This was not much of an issue last semester when I was working with photoshop- if I happened to make a mistake or a decision I later regretted, it was extremely easy to fix the image. Working with physical drawing media that I had to purchase myself completely altered my perception of how I had to go about making my work. I felt a very specific pressure to do it right, I could not just go into the project and figure it out along the way. Instead of in the “Things We Carry” project where I introduced color last without thinking too much about it, I specifically planned out the color I was going to introduce and the mediums I was going to use before even touching the paper. I became pragmatic. During the various studies I did for Light Line Space I found myself being intentional about art in an academic way. Doing the studies reminded me of outlining for papers, and helped me feel more confident when I did begin working on the final product.

Concept-

The concept revealed itself to me as I was working on the piece. While developing the source images I was considering what we show and hide to others and ourselves about our own image. I think the element of overexposure (presented by me only wearing a bra) is present in society today because of how often we are supposed to interact with the world through pictures of ourselves. No other generation has been forced to look at themselves as often as mine is. Looking in the mirror suggests self judgement but taking a selfie suggests consumption by others, a picture on the phone is meant to be sent and shared. Overall this piece deals with how technology has warped my self perception. This obsessive self looking that is partly technology’s fault is communicated visually by the my repetition in the various mirrors, and the grimey smudging of the charcoal. The pastel colors are meant to represent the way phones seem so fun and harmless.

Critique-

The thing that felt most important for me to take away from the critique was that formal elements are very useful to sway the viewer. This is something I think about a lot but it was interesting seeing it in play in everyone’s work. I am pretty proud of how my piece turned out. The extra color was a last minute touch but that was actually my favorite part of the piece. I was happy that others seemed to be visually attracted to my piece. In terms of what I can do better, I think I still have a long way to go in terms of realistic rendering and constructing an effective composition. I think I could have worked more within the shadows and created even less contrast, making the image seem dirtier would have been cool. I am used to critiques based on concept, so I found it hard to really give others feedback. I liked Emerson’s comment that I should think about extending these concepts in my next piece with more mirror play, and different versions of myself.

I am most happy about how the pocket shadows of the pink bag came out. I never thought I could render something so realistically. Julia described the image as top heavy and I like that, as the top bag seems to be consuming the other bags beneath it.

I had thought quite a bit about the “Things we carry” project before we began today. My basic idea is that by showing my more subdued brown bag emerging from my cute pink bag I am showing how my (lack of?) gender is hidden inside of my very femme appearance. When I incorporated my closed wallet into the composition I was considering that my true identity is complex and multifaceted, like the inside of my wallet.

I was unintentionally challenged by the physical elements of this piece. The scale of the paper is larger than I usually work with, and I have never been asked to engage all edges of the paper on purpose so that was interesting. The complexity of the objects is also something I really have not worked on in a while. Although I do sketch from time to time I have not attempted to render objects of such random shapes recently. Today I also worked more methodically than I have in the past, starting with pencil then going in with charcoal from section to section. I think the cost of the paper made me be a little bit more intentional in my process. I am also usually a little scared to go deep with shadows, so I tried to challenge myself today to make the shadows as intense as possible.

I am quite happy with the progress I made today. I am thinking about adding color to the bag only, but I am going to experiment with this process in my sketchbook first to ensure that it has a good result.

As I was working on my most recent watercolor portrait, I began asking myself why exactly I have continued this process. Last year I decided to paint my friends, for practice and for gifts. The idea of giving someone a portrait as a gift probably originated in my high school art club, where we created portraits of orphans in less developed countries. In my opinion this project showed that the students we created portraits of are important people who deserve art made of them. This mentality has started to leak into my current portraits, which were originally only intended as gifts. Now I think I am making them to show a point- that all of my friends are stunning. They are as important to me and as beautiful as rulers of Ancient Greece and Egypt. Those who I depict either have a great impact on my life or I simply believe they should have art created about them. I want each of the objects of my art to know they are loved and admired. The care in each work is supposed to make up for their lack of realism.

Everyone should have art created about them. My friends deserve monuments, but all I can really do right now is paint.